Mommy of an Angel

August 2017

At the end of August 2017 we went for an anatomy scan. We found out we were having a little boy. Everything was perfect. He passed all of the test and everything looked good.

My blood pressure however was not. It kept getting higher at every appointment we went to. They kept adding blood pressure pills and making me do urine analysis test to check for protein.

I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia and they began to keep a closer eye on me. I had to start coming to the doctor every 2 weeks and eventually would begin having an ultrasound every week to check for growth. Since everyone wanted to go to the ultrasounds we were going to start by letting our parents go. The second week of October my parents went with me. During that ultrasound it showed that the baby hadn’t grown as much as he was supposed to that week but it still wasn’t a cause for concern.

October 17th, 2017

This was the day of my next scheduled ultrasound. I was a little nervous going in because I hadn’t felt the baby move as much as usual. My mother and father -in- law went with me to the appointment.

I was the last appointment of the day and felt like I sat in the waiting room for hours. My mother and father- in- law were so excited to get to see the baby and they were patiently waiting.

They finally called my name a little before 5. The doctor was doing surgery that day so I went straight to the ultrasound room. That is where I was asked the dreaded question.

When was the last time you felt your baby move? I started to fill with panic and couldn’t even get an answer out. She kept trying but never could find a heartbeat. My baby, my little boy, the one I had prayed for for so long had slipped away into the arms of Jesus. I was so crushed, so shocked and so upset that I couldn’t even cry.

The nurse practitioner, Miranda came running in to tell me what had happened. They went and got Dr. Dotson out of the middle of a surgery. Those 2 were so good to me and comforted me, cried with me and prayed with me. They explained to me what was going to happen next and when they told me I was shocked. I just assumed they would put me to sleep and do a c- section but that was not the plan. I had to deliver the baby which was so hard for me to process.

I then had to make the hardest phone call I ever had to make. I had to call and tell my husband, who was at work, that we lost our baby. He was crushed. Our whole family was crushed. I felt like the life was just sucked right out of me. I was broken!

October 18th, 2017

I arrived at the hospital at around 9 pm on October 17th to deliver my baby. I had to be induced of course since I wasn’t in active labor and I was only 28 weeks. They began inducing me at 11 pm and I tried to get some sleep that night without much luck. I just felt so empty and heartbroken.

At around 7 am is when my labor really started to begin. I was in pain and had been given the option of an epidural which I took. I remember thinking how unfair this all was. All the pain I was going through was for nothing. They broke my water around 10:30 and by 4:00 I was starting to push.

I remember every detail of the moment of delivering my angel baby. I remember by husband sitting above my head and holding my hand tight as tears ran down his face. I remember the pain and telling my doctor that this just wasn’t fair that I couldn’t take home my baby after all of this. I remember looking down and seeing my doctor close his eyes and pray for me. That is when the peace of the Lord came over me.

After the baby was out the nurses took him to clean him up. They took him to measure him and wrap him up just like they would any other baby so I could hold him. He weight 1 lb 14oz and was 14 inches long. He was so tiny. We came to find out during delivery that his umbilical cord was so small and skinny which is believed to be what caused him to pass early. He wasn’t getting the nutrients he needed.

The nurses brought him back in and they laid him in my arms. I will never forget what he looked like. I will never forget that moment. A time when I should have been so happy and rejoicing was a time I was crying and trying to remember my baby. A time when me and my husband should have been feeding him was a time we were saying our goodbyes. At that moment we were both truly crushed but the peace of the Lord was helping us get through that moment. After I was done holding him we let our families see him in another room. We didn’t want to rob them of that moment but we didn’t want to be present for it either.

After everyone had seen the baby they came in to see me and Ryan. I had dreaded seeing our families because I knew they would be so sad. I didn’t want to be a sobbing mess so I prayed for the Lord to help me. Right that very moment I could feel the Lord wrap his arms around me. It was such a sweet peaceful feeling that could only come from God.

Leaving that next day and not carrying a baby out with me was a very hard moment but God helped me walk out of that hospital. Without him I would have crumbled and not been able to do it but he was with me every step of the way.

Heartache

The next weeks and months were hard. I cried a lot, I was angry, I was mad and I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand why this happened to me and why everyone else was getting to have babies.

Every birth announcement crushed me, every kid I seen in the store crushed me, every baby I seen crushed me. It just wasn’t fair. Why did I not get to take my baby home? It was a question I just kept asking.

I remember Christmas eve right after I had lost Easton. I was getting ready to go to my mamaws and just lost it. I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head that I was missing out on getting my baby ready for his first Christmas with the family. It was something I was so looking forward to and it was taken from me. It broke my heart.

Weeks and months went by and it wasn’t getting any easier. I was still upset, still didn’t understand and still wanted my baby. In March of 2018 my best friend Lori had told me something that was so hard for her to tell me. She was pregnant with twins. While I was happy for her deep down it crushed me to the soul. My best friend was getting not just one baby but two babies and my baby was taken away from me. It was a very hard thing for me to deal with but the very next month. April 8th 2018 I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby Jace!

Healing

Over the next several months I was scared and nervous but I was so lucky to be holding a beautiful baby boy on November 5th 2018. That little baby boy helped me heal. My rainbow baby helped heal my broken heart.

He will never completely heal that missing spot in my heart where Easton is but God knew I needed another little boy to help heal my heart.

God always give us what we need, when we need it most. God can comfort us in a way no one else can. He can put peace in our heart when we should have none. He can make his presence known when it feels like you are all alone. He will never leave you. If you call on him he will be right there.

Feeling God’s comfort, peace and love through my whole journey has been the only thing that kept me going. I could have never made it without him. He is the only reason I am able to type this today. Without him I would be a mess.

Below I am listing some bible verses that helped me. They helped me through the tough times. God’s words can be so comforting.